Lavender Reflections

      I thank God for today.  I was not expecting I would understand the gospel and the homily for today's mass, but I did.  Although it was an Indian priest and there was indeed a language barrier which makes it difficult for people to comprehend what he was saying, I am grateful I did.  I guess it's because they changed speakers? or probably the priest spoke a little clearer today? or maybe I was alone and I was just so focused that I really want to hear and understand it.   I may not be able to remember every word in the homily but what I can recall is that the priest said it is the heart which makes a person human .   It is when we begin to love.      Loving sometimes becomes a difficult thing .  Loving those who are handicapped becomes a challenge.  We have to minister to our handicapped brothers and sisters in the community.  Many are not even aware of the existence of handicapped people so they do not...

There are moments when you just want to get mad and ask so many questions because a lot of things are going through in your mind.  But when a person begins to start talking and explaining to you without you even asking, all you can ever say is "I missed you".  When he still proceeds, you just want to give him the tightest hug and wish that you could just take away all his hurts and pains.  All you can even say is "everything will be okay". All these things? I cannot do for the moment because he is just too far and circumstances won't permit us to be together.  All you can do is just pray and let everything be according to God's plan. He finally called me and sent me a few messages.  I can't do anything but just let things take its course.  I am hoping and praying that he will be able to fix his life --- alone, for now.  I also have a life to fix and organize.  Maybe someday, if this, or if we are meant to be together, we will be. ...

     Praying about my feelings is something that I never did in my past relationships.  Lord, if You are revealing the right person to me through JP, then make us best for each other.  Otherwise, do not let us invest on each other.  I don't want to sound as if I am dictating You Lord, but just please guide my heart so that I may make the right decisions.  I hope that whatever that is, it will always bring You glory and praise.  Thank you Jesus for the gift of love.

I prayed for this before I came to meet him.  I prayed that God will guide my feelings towards him because I don't want to fall into something that will not do me any good and things that will not bring glory to my God. I don't know if this was a test but obviously I am having a hard time.  I am not sure how I will pass this one.  Today, I found out that he belonged to a different faith, something so contradictory with mine.  I admit, religion is a big deal for me.  It is a big issue for me and so for them, (I suppose) no matter how he tells me it isn't.  I am discovering a lot about him each day and I am afraid I am liking it.  I do appreciate these things but I don't know how it will affect me and my faith.

          I realized I am not so good at forgiving because until this time, I have not forgiven him. It's been so many years already and I guess it's time that I give the forgiveness even if he is no longer asking for it.  He asked for it several times before and my eyes were blind, my ears were deaf, and my heart was hardened.          As I start the holy week, I realized that some things are needed to be done.  I was really struck by these phrases: are you good at forgiving ? and I began to ask, am I forgiving as the Lord?       I have sinned against Him, in fact so many times, and yet He keeps on loving and forgiving me.  Why not forgive others too?          That is why, to you Jay, I forgive you 100%.  I will take away all my hatred towards you for that is only when I can totally forgive myself too and live a peaceful life -- a life that is blessed and loved ...

That morning, I was awakened because he was yelling at me.  I got so offended and I was tempted to come to him and confront him, I was in the act of yelling back at him telling him that that is not the way he is suppose to treat me.  I wanted to tell him he is wrong, I was hurt, I want to shout at him in anger!!! I got my bible, read the daily devotion, and the message was "to live a life without regret" -- that if there is a correction coming from the father (the Lord), if we sin, do not despise the Lord. I am glad that the bible pacified my anger.  I thank the Lord for today's message for I was not able to do something that I will regret afterwards. I couldn't be more grateful.  It turned out, I was only being corrected the right way.

Lord, just yesterday, I was talking about losing my confidence and feeling so down after a tragic failure.  Just yesterday, I was asking friends how to get up and pick up the broken pieces.  How will I be able to focus and prepare?  How will I begin to study again? I asked and they gave me no answer. Maybe, that is their way (or Your way) of telling me that it is You that I should ask, because only You can give me the strength that I need, and the courage to move on, to get up, and to start over. How great is Your love for me Lord.  Thank you for today's inspiration.  Thank you for not giving up on me. I know that You will bless and guide me as I start over.